Creating intimacy that lasts
The early days of any relationship are often filled with excitement, love, and optimism. However, like any partnership, a long lasting marriage that feels truly fulfilling requires a strong foundation. Here are some tips from my many years as a counselor and coach specializing in erotic and relational intimacy.
sculpture by Johnson Tsang
Maintain Independence
Intimacy starts with a powerful “I” not a we, and I cannot overemphasize this! Not only do you need to know yourself well, you also need to be able to communicate your wants and needs to others, and be willing to take responsibility for maintaining your own health and happiness.
Your partner ideally is an amazing cheerleader and safe space for you to continue becoming your most actualized self, but they should never be the only or even primary source of your self-esteem. That’s on YOU.
This is great news because if your enjoyment of life depends on anyone else, you’re at the mercy of their ability, and desire to be not only your partner but also your life coach, parent, fantasy, best friend, lover, or even rescuer at ALL times. What happens if they have a bad day?
Resentment creeps in anytime there’s a shift towards codependence away from healthy independence that fosters time alone once in a while or relationships, hobbies, and goals that may overlap with our partner’s but don’t have to.
Strong couples don’t feel threatened by space or differences, but instead learn to use them to keep the fire burning through curiosity and longing. After all, those very things were what drew you to your partner at the beginning and made you miss them whenever they were gone! Why would you ever want to lose that? A proper balance between self and others, when done well, is called “INTER-dependence” and it feels so so good!
Prioritize Emotional Safety
I like to remind people that others will only be as honest with you as you are safe for them to be. The couples that last are those who know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that no matter what, they are always welcome to bring the good, the bad, the weird, and the ugly to their partner, without being criticized, ridiculed, shamed, or stonewalled for it.
This sets the tone for the rest of your life together and I would argue is the strongest glue for any relationship. Intimacy can be thought of as “into me see.” As partners, we want to be seen, understood, and celebrated for who we are as unique individuals and what we bring to the table, however, authenticity is only revealed in safe spaces.
Want your spouse to keep it real with you? Whether we’re talking about sexual fantasies, how much money they spent on Chick-fil-A, or anything else that comes up in life, it’s crucial that you validate their feelings and show respect and appreciation for them sharing them with you.
Great communication is not about agreeing, it’s about openness which begins with emotional safety. When you have that, you’ll be able to work through anything as a unified team - it should be the two of you against the world, never the two of you with a problem wedged between you.
Emphasize Eroticism
If emotional safety is the strongest glue in a relationship, erotic energy might just be the second. I say, erotic, rather than sex, because sex is so much more than just intercourse.
In many ways, it is a conversation, just with other means (body language, touch, etc.). You communicate love, desire, appreciation and more when you flirt and initiate adult playtime of any kind. The word “flirt” comes from the French word fleure, for “just the tip” (… of a fencing sword). Without the polarity of feeling into mystery and distance, relationships literally fizzle out.
Try not to overthink it. Not every “conversation” has to be serious or drawn out. We all love variety from time to time too. If you’ve built a culture of emotional safety, you’ll both feel much more comfortable expressing what we therapists call erotic scripts - a menu of sorts of what we know we like, what we could be open to, and what we definitely don’t enjoy or want to try. Passionate couples are able to talk about what’s on their menu with each other and explore their overlapping and differing tastes.
Eastern psychology says that our erotic energy is literally our life force energy moving through us to get things done, to reveal ourselves creatively, enjoy what it means to be human, and yes, a lover who is demonstrative in their sensuality. I highly encourage you to adopt a flirtatious attitude as a mindset for life.
Each morning when you awake, ask yourself, “How might I enjoy more play today?”
Dress in a way that makes you feel good in your own skin.
Allow yourself to think sexy thoughts.
Find a few moments here or there to linger with your partner, perhaps running your fingers across their skin as you walk by or make out like teenagers do without expectation or need for more.
Send random text messages sharing something you love about your partner. Try leaving notes in surprising places like the inside of cupboards, on the refrigerator, dashboard of their car, or on a bathroom mirror etc.
Tell them you can’t wait to see them, what you’d love to do to or experience with them, or what you enjoyed in previous sexual encounters with them.
The Honeymoon Period Need Not End
If you’re committed to staying intentional about your relationship and consciously nourishing it on the daily, you’ll never lose the excitement of being in love. The honeymoon phase has been proven to be a myth for couples willing to ask each other, “How can I love you today?”
